Here's My Tip To You

Do you work hourly? If not, then you're salaried, I guess. Maybe you make some commission, too. Either way, add up what you make a year, divide it by the amount of hours per year you work (2080 if you do the 9-5 thing). So, regardless of whether or not you work hourly, you can figure out your wage. 10, 15, 20, 25. You can break down, then figure out around how much you make per minute, per 10 minutes, etc. Say you make $20/hour, you make $5/15 minutes, 33 cents/minute, and .5 cents/second. So why the fuck does some jackass behind the bar expect me to tip him $1 for every 5 seconds it takes him to pop off a cap and hand me a bottle of beer?!

Do you find yourself asking yourself the same question? I'm not one to complain or dare be the one to say that what the women and men behind the bars of America have an unimportant job. I also am not "cheap" and will always give at least 15%, usually close to 20%, after a meal. However, snarky comments, a rude look, or scoffing from a bartender... are they not in the service industry? Buddy, I didn't hit you up this time, but the next time I take up 5 seconds of your working day I'll throw you a Washington, but not if you act like a prick.

My general policy is every other bottled beer I'll tip. Recently, though, I have started opening tabs, which was strictly against my social rules, mostly for fear of forgetting the close and having an automatic 25% tacked on (usual standard policy). After being treated like an inconvenience by many bartenders (see Sam's Sportsbar), opening a tab tips the scales in the patron's favor in several ways: 1) It make the bartender believe you will be drinking like a fish, and buying rounds of shots and girly drinks for your friends... 2) no exchange of money = faster transactions... 2b) those annoying $3.50 prices won't leave you with jingling quarters in your pocket... 3) you don't have to feel guilty (if you're on the "every other round" tipping policy) of people wondering why you didn't tip, you cheapass... and finally, most importantly 4) at the end of the night you can tally up the appropriate % (was the bartender a bitch? or more like Tom Cruise from Cocktail?) tip accordingly.

Ladies and gentlemen, don't confuse me for a moneygrubber or a miser. I'm merely trying to reward those bottle jockeys who work to please with a smile and a long pour. The assholes, pricks, and douche bags who think their position behind the bar means they can choose to liquor up girls all night and ignore you while you're holding cash right in front of their face? Well, they can suffer the consequences of their actions and go home a little short. But won't that just feed their behavior? Maybe, but it might also get them thinking... hmmm, what if I actually act like I'm in the service industry and treat every customer like they're the most important customer? Well, maybe then they'll stop holding a grudge and scrape up a few more tips to get them through their GED equivalency class.

Did this rant come about as result of a recent encounter? No. Just a thoughtful observation from watching too many sweat-band cladded, spikey haired, tight-shirted sauce slingers act like they're fuckin rock stars who don't have the time of day to serve their customers.

Cheers.