The Daily WTF?!

From Hedge Fund to Hobo Austin, TX

After what has already been a tumultuous year in the financials, further news shook the very foundation of the industry when it was leaked that the leading contender for hedge fund analyst of the year, David Allen, of Lafitte Capital Management, is considering voluntary homelessness.

“The very idea of a hedge fund analyst not ridiculously flaunting his status by getting a loft or penthouse, or at least a Beamer, is absurd!” said T Henry Jacobson III, formerly an up and coming Bear Sterns Sr Analyst. But becoming homeless, by choice, Jacobson added, “well that feat hasn’t been attempted since “Stinky Joe” Miller, in the recession of ’88.” Allen has declined to comment, mostly because he never answers his phone, but there is speculation that he refuses to admit he is technically living with his girlfriend. A close friend of Allen's, Charles Joseph commented, “Who is he kidding?! I was there for one weekend and counted 237 ‘honey bears’ and, on one occasion, heard him refer to her as ‘schnookie pie butter cup’, what the fuck does that even mean?” However, a source close to Allen did site an out-dated, yet still valid, obscure Texas law, whereby the father can rightfully defend his daughter’s innocence from any adult male he deems threatening. “The law dictates that the father can violently retaliate against any perceived threat against his daughter” University of Texas Law Professor H. Thurman Montgomery IV said “especially if that threat is perpetrated by a Northerner, or somebody who is not native to our fine country of Texas.” After this news was shared with a good friend of Allen's, Bryan Delie said, “well, in that case, it might not be such a bad idea, considering her parents don’t even think they hold hands.” He later added, “I wonder what the law would allow Mr. Zinkler to do if he knew Allen was Ogdening on his daughter every other Wednesday.”

Still yet, others point to possible Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) Allen may have suffered when, as a bright eyed, optimisstic Tulane University Undergraduate, he was violently uprooted from his off-campus residence during Hurricane Katrina. “Zer have certainly beeen many casez of PTSD among Katrina veecteems” Psychiatrist Herman Zurrheiller notes, “but I have not had ze opportunity to examine many of zem because zey cannot afford my hourly rate.” Herman then went on to explain that many Jewish American Princesses have been among his patients and they have, indeed exhibited substantial symptoms of PTSD, as a result of losing pearl necklaces, Louis Vuitton bags, and priceless other Bat Mitzvah and Hannukah presents. After Katrina Allen did experience a bit of a gypsy-like existence, bouncing around from state to state, until he finally settled into Univeristy of Texas, a source said.

Very recently, rapper Juvenile released a statement upon hearing the news of David Allen's voluntary homelessness, “Even I know Hedge Funds is suppose to be about high rollin’. Bitches and benzes, Courvoisier and Dom Perignon, gettin’ white tigers as pets and shit. Damn, that boy musta lost his mind!” Strong words from a once-influential character in Allen's life.
It remains to be seen if the feat can be pulled off and close friends question whether the homelessness is due to the recent struggles of the Emerging markets, and Allen's attempt to deflect their affect on him personally, or his undying denial of the seriousness of his 4 year relationship with Tania Zinkler. “I just hope he can get a grip and realize you can’t bring randos back to the cot in your office” Jon Kassolis said. While support for Allen is widespread there still remains doubt as to the legality of residing in a commercially-zoned office.
Friends remain close by Allen's side, figuratively, and will continue to offer advice.

Bryan Del Monte is a freelance writer based out of Washington, DC