Breast Augmentation?

I don't mean to sound as if I get traffic tickets everyday. I can count on one hand the amount I've been given in my eight years of hands-on experience. But, I would like to know who these people are who, when in conversation about tickets, say, "O yea, I've gotten a few warnings". Warnings? As in, "I'm warning you, if you don't find your proof of insurance I'm taking you straight downtown" kind of warning?

I must have "dickhead" tattooed on my forehead because every instance in which I have been pulled over has resulted in a ticket, or multiple ones for coinciding offences. Take, for example, the time I was pulled over and unbuckled my seat belt to take my wallet out of my pocket... yep, he sure did write me up for not wearing my seat belt, tack that on to a "riding on parts unintended" thanks to my friend who was hanging out the window. O yea, and the time my boss transferred his company car to me with expired tags and an expired registration. Hmmmmm, I wonder if I got pulled over for that one? YEAAAAA, "I'm gonna go ahead and give you failure to provide proof of insurance, failure to provide registration (which was nowhere to be found in the glove compartment) and driving with expired tags." Awesome, thanks officer... and boss.

Sometimes I think of the line from Vegas Vacation when the black jack dealer tells Clarke, "Why don't you give me half your money, we'll go out back, I'll kick you in the nuts, and we'll call it even?"

I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong, I'm not a jerk and am on my utmost behavior when I get pulled over, I swear. It's all, yes sir, I'm sorry officer, etc etc etc. The greatest display of ass-kissing you can imagine. Maybe I need to flip the script and try out some jokes on the cop, "Sorry, officer, but my wife ran off with a State Trooper a few years back and when I saw you following me I thought you were trying to bring her back!" ***BA-DA CHING*** (joke courtesy of Kent Woolard). Or, maybe, as a female friend recently shared her get-out-of-jail-free story, I should be wearing a high school cheerleading outfit and have a friend with large - how shall I say this - chesticles, sitting shotgun. Hmmmm, it might be worth it, but with my luck I'd get pulled over by a chick who wouldn't quite see the humor in the situation.

I've never seriously considered bribery, mostly because it's a bit above misdemeanor level, but I'm getting close. My next move is to name drop a few high-ranking officers I know like crazy... A ploy my friend uses to perfection (although his timing is a little off... he dropped his Police Luitenant Uncle's name after he was put in cuffs on the side of the highway for a misunderstanding on the officer's part). Or perhaps getting ahold of an FOP (Fraternal Order of Police) suppoter sticker along with one of those black with a blue stripe bumper stickers that indicate a member of your family is an officer. A former baseball teammate of mine got pulled over going 110mph (that's right, ONE HUNDRED AND TEN) in a 40mph zone on some country road (he has FOP plates for his brother and Dad) and the officer said "who's a cop in your family?".... "Go home and thank them". Are you kidding me?!?!

O well, I'll take 'em as they come and roll with the punches, and maybe get some good feedback from any males out there who have a few tricks up their sleeve. No offense, ladies, but you all have what I never will, so please don't take it personally when I say that it wasn't your charming personality that got you out of that ticket.